All I Seem to be able to “Do” is Think

"Modus" - by Yelena Chemerisov (my Mother)

How it feels – to be lost in someone else’s face, their form, their shape and texture – how it feels – to seep into someone else’s pores. Spying on their ignorance of you, watching them from no vantage, from no solid reason or ground – just watching and wanting – something but what? They are as much a mystery to you as your self.

How it feels to harbor thoughts whilst silently standing beside someone, let’s say in an elevator, while counting flights – perhaps measuring out what must be the conglomerate of their years of experience, the mass and density of their particular flesh – the solitude they might endure and the internal pressures upon waking, happiness or dread or despair, moments of everything.

How it feels to study one’s own face – and its telltale details, some so hidden that the stories they spin are ensconced in rose-cheeked-suppleness and the wrinkle of a gravitational dilemma.

Just some thoughts.

I fear a tendency towards change of whim.

I fear indecisiveness in terms of career and passion.

Since I must face what I fear most – how can I face these questions…?

What must I anti-decide? What must I confess, change, intend, surmise, wish, plan, plot, envision? Where is my power? It lies not with the forms I’ve investigated. It lies with the forms deep within me, which are unlike anyone else’s. I scour and scour others’ visions – for what? Comparing myself to what? Their turnout and reflection? Their light? Where is mine? How do I make it shine?

I’m not a hippie, I’m an immigrant. Being either one does not necessarily preclude anyone from being the other. But I feel like I am not. Not not not not not. A hippie.

Maybe I can determine what I am by the process of elimination.

I call myself not-a-goddess as well. Either all women are, or none of us are. We are here to be humans. Goddesses live in the sky in the other realms in the ether in the other spheres in the heavens and the hells and the imagination.

I am a dervish…indeed?

Just some thoughts. Just some thoughts here and there.

“He turns not back who is bound to a star.” -Leonardo Da Vinci